| My Joke Page | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| If you don't like my jokes or my sence of humor leave!!! (read some of the jokes first though) | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Now here are some of my jokes they are seperated. Most of these jokes will only be funny if you are 10 or up. If your are 9 or under leave!!!!!! How do you drowned a blonde? a) Tell her there's a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool b) Tell her there's a mirror at the bottom of the tub What do you call an intelligent blonde? A golden retriever What did the blonde name her pet zebra? Spot What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted What is it called when a blonde dies her hair brown? Artificial intelligence What do you call 100 blondes sitting in a circle? A dope ring What do you call 100 blondes in a freezer? Frosted flakes What do you have when you stand 100 blondes next to each other, shoulder to shoulder? A wind tunnel How does a blonde clean her house? She hires a maid How do blonde braincells die ? Alone. How do you measure a blonde's intelligence? Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear! How does a blonde kill a fish? She drowns it. A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat? Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row. What do you call a blond mother-in-law? An air bag. Why do Blondes wear earmuffs? To avoid the draft. Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee? It's too hard to re-train them. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday. What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? Trying to hold on to a thought. Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'. Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar? She heard that the drinks were on the house. How does a blonde commit suicide? She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off. How do you plant dope? Bury a blonde. How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? Wave to her. How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? Flattered. What is every blonde's ambition in life? To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet. What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? You keep hearing about them, but never see any. How do you confuse a blonde? You don't. They're born that way. Why do blondes hate M&Ms? They're too hard to peel. How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor. What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? Proofreading. Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? For throwing out all the W's. Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet. How do you keep a blonde busy? Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning? "Thanks, guys..." "So, are you all on the same team?" What's brown and red and black and blue? A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes. Why can't blondes make ice cubes? They always forget the recipe. Did you hear about the blond that was treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds? She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungie cord Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer? So she could keep the refrigerator cold. How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek? One. Why couldn't the blonde write the number 11 ? She didn't know what ONE came first... What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone? Divorced. How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff. How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree. How did the blonde die drinking milk? The cow fell on her. How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? There's white-out on the screen. How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? There is a stamp on it. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece. What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush? You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? You can park in the handicap zone. Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month? Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds." Why do men like blonde jokes?? Because they can understand them. What do you get when you find a blonde skeleton in a closet? Last year's Hide and Go Seek champion! A group of blondes were driving to Disneyland. They saw the sign that said "Disneyland LEFT", and turned around and went home! A blonde and a brunette were walking through a park. The brunette said, "Oh look at the poor dead bird." The blonde looked up and said, "Where??" Q: How do you know a blonde's been using your computer? A: There's white-out on your screen! Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a handgrenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back! There was this blonde who was always being teased at the office about how dumb she was.She decided to prove to them that she wasn't so dumb after all so she studied all weekend and when she got to work on Monday announced: "I know the capitols of all the provinces!" "Oh, sure", replied one of her officemates,"then what's the capitol of Ontario?"The blonde proudly replied,"O". A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all in the third grade together. Q: Which one can vote? A: The blonde, she's 18! Q: What's a blonde doing when she holds her hands up to her ears? A: Trying to hold on to a thought! Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory? A: She kept throwing out all the W's ! Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables ! Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A: Shine a flashlight in her ear ! Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9 ! Q: How did the blonde die ice-fishing? A: She was run over by the Zambonis machine ! Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? A: An interpreteur Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel ! Q: How do a blonde's brain cells die? A: Alone. Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday ! Q: What are the worst six years of a blonde's life? A: The third grade. Two blondes were lost in the wilderness, and they came upon some tracks. One blonde said, "Those look like deer tracks," and the other blonde said, "No, they look more like moose tracks." They were still arguing when the train hit them. Q: Why shouldn't blondes be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. Q:How can you tell if a blonde's been baking chocolate chip cookies? A: By the "M&M" shells on the counter top. Q: How do you keep a blonde busy for a week? A: Hand her a box of "M&M"'s and have her alphabetize them. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads. Q:How do you keep a blonde occupied for weeks? A:Give her a piece of paper that says "please turn over" on both sides. A gorgeous, tall blonde boards an airplane, bound for Chicago, gets to first class, finds a seat, plops down, spreads her glamour magazines around her and gets real comfy! The flight attendent aproaches her and says, "I'm sorry, Miss, but your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back to row 18. The blonde looks at her in complete amazement and says, "I dont think so...I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm flying to Chicago and I'm sitting right here!" So the flight attendant gets her supervisor, and she approaches the blonde saying, "Im really sorry, but you DO have to move to row 18. Your ticket is for coach, and this is first class. These seats are reserved for other passengers".To which the blonde replies..."Not a chance, hon...I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm flying to Chicago and I'm staying right where I am at!!" In complete exasperation, the supervisor goes to the flight cabin and speaks with the Captain. After a few minutes, he emerges and walks directly to the blonde, leans over and whispers into her ear. She IMMEDIATLEY jumps up, gathers her things, and moves back to row 18 in coach. The flight attendants are stunned that he was able to do this with such ease and inquire, "What on earth did you do to make her move"?! "Oh, it was really quite easy", replies the captain. " I simply whispered to her that first class wasn't going to Chicago". A blonde goes for a job interview in an office.The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh .. 22!".The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice." And can you tell us your height, please?". The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag.She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!". This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!". The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?" "Ohh that!", replies the blonde,"That's just me running through'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....'. Q:Why can't blondes become pharmacists? A:Because they can't figure out how to get those little bottles into the typewriter. Thanks to Susan for this one : "This actually happened - I have blonde hair and drive a BMW. When I was getting gas about a month ago, a man was pumping gas close to me and said:"Do you know why blondes drive BMW's????" I said "Why?" Then he said.."'Cause they know how to spell it!!" (From Christy , another blonde)A man's desk was next to a blonde woman's at work, and since he was new he didn't say much to her , but he noticed that she always wore a headset. One day he asked her why . She replied , "My boyfriend said if I take it off I'll die." The man said , "Oh my! What does it say?" She said , "Here you listen for a second." The headset repeated over and over.. "breath in , breath out , breathe in..." (From Darcy)There were three blonde ladies walking down the beach, and they find what they believe to be a magic lamp. So, they rub it to see if it really is. Just as they rub it a genie pops out and say's that he'll give them each one wish. So the first girl says "I want to be really smart ", and she turn into a brunette. The second girl says " I want to be even smarter than her "', and she turned into a redhead. The third girl said " I want to just change this whole wish thing around, I want to be even dumber than I am now ", and she turns into a man ". (Also From Darcy)There was a young blond on vacation traveling in her car with her friend, they were going to Vegas to gamble. Along the way, they stopped at a rest stop to get gas and use the rest rooms.The blonde had brought a pocket full of quarters with her for the casino. Anyways, while her friend was still in the bathroom, she found a machine. She wasn't quite sure what it was for so she wanted to figure it out. She put a quarter in and out came a soda. She did the same thing over and over and each time out came a soda. She got all excited and she just was beside herself thinking, "Wow, I sure hope Vegas has lots of these machines, they're so fun". A couple minutes later her friend comes out and says " C'mon, let's go". And the girl says, " Not yet, I'm WINNING !!!!!!!" (From Dan)A lady is driving down a dirt road in the country in her convertible. Coming around a bend she is forced to stop and wait as a flock of sheep crosses the road. The old shepherd is quietly standing at the edge of the road waiting for his flock to cross. The woman, seeing the sheep, turns to the shepherd and says, "Oooo, I just LUUUUV sheep, they are so cute. If I can guess how many sheep are in your flock in one try, will you let me have one?" The shepherd is rather surprised but nods in agreement. The lady quickly scans the flock and tells the shepherd that there are exactly 1,423 sheep. Once the shepherd picks his jaw up off the ground he grudgingly agrees that the woman may have a sheep. She quickly bounds out of the car and rushes over to pick out the sheep she had been eyeing ever since she came around the bend. The shepherd stops the lady as she gets back into her car, "Give me a chance to win him back," pleads the shepherd. The woman agrees... after all, fair is fair. The shepherd says, "If I can guess your actual hair color in just one attempt...can I have him back?" The woman thinks this is a fair bet and says so. The shepherd says simply "You, ma'ame are a blonde". The woman is shocked and poutingly says, "How did you ever guess? I have spent so much time and money making myself a brunette, I didn't ever think anybody would be able to guess." The shepherd just shakes his head and says, "Whatever lady, now can I have my dog back ?" (From Laurel Villas) Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequilla. He looks at them and says "OK" and pours their shots. They all clink glasses and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied. They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell "51 days!" The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by 51 days. One of the blondes looks at him and says "Well," looking very smug. "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us only 51 days. And on the box it said 2-4 years" (Also from Laurel Villas) A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because... that's a microwave," he replied. (From Caroline Garcia) A blonde and a brunette are walking down the sidewalk one day. The brunette says sadly, "Awwww, a dead bird..". The blonde looks up and says, "Where?!?" (from Jeff.) This blonde goes in for a job interview. The interviewer sees the blonde and exclaims "Oh No, not another blonde!, they never work out ! I always end up firing them. Theres no way I'm going to hire you!" The blonde woman ( a bit confused) tells the interviewer, "Oh please sir, I really need the job !" The interviewer, ( a real softy at heart) says "Okay, I'll tell you what, I'll ask you three questions, then give you five minutes to come up with the answers. First question, How many days of the week start with "T" ?, second, How many seconds are in a year ?, and lastly, How many "D's" in "Rudolph the Red Nosed Riendeer" ? You have five minutes. The interviewer left and the blonde pondered the questions. Five minutes went by, and the interviewer returned. "Okay, what are your answers. How many days of the week start with "T"? " The blonde answers "Two, today and tomorrow." The interviewer nods his head and says "Okay, I wasn't specific, I'll give you that one. Now how many seconds in a year?" "Twelve." the blonde replies, "There's a second of each month and twelve months." Once again the interviewer nods and says "Okay. Now the third question, How many D's in "Rudolph the Red Nosed Riendeer" ? "2,345" says the blonde. The interviewer falls on the floor laughing. "I can see I won't be hiring you.", says the interviewer," How did you ever come up with such a rediculous answer?" The blonde replies..."Dee Dee, Dee Dee Dee, Dee Dee......."(sung to the tune of "Rudolph the Red Nosed Riendeer") From Kathi...Q. Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? A. To see what was on the other side. (from Darcy)...Q. What makes this sound?....Vrrrrrmmmm....Errrrrrrttttt.... Vrrrrrmmm....Errrrtttt...Vrrrrrmmmm....Errrrrrrttttt.... A. A Blonde at a blinking red light. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery. Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms. There was a farmer who owned a bull and a female cow and was trying desperately to mate the two. No matter what he did the bull didn't want any. Finally he went to a friend who claimed to have had the same problem. So he asked him what could he do. The friend told him that he had to stick his arm up the cows pussy and rub it on the bull's nose. After doing so the bull went crazy and started humping the cow over and over. With the success of the bull the farmer starts to wonder if this will work for him. So that night he gets in bed and starts playing with his wife. He rubs his nose with his hand and gets the biggest boner he has ever gotten. He wakes his wife and tells her to look. She looks, and with a mean look on her face says, "You woke me up to show me that you have a bloody nose." Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There's a problem with Mrs. Whittaker." The boss says, "What's that?" Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy." The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me." They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, "See? There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy." The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that's not a piece of shrimp. That's her clit." Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp." A boy and a pedophile are out at night, walking towards the forest. The boy says, "It's dark! I don't like it! I'm scared!" The pedophile says, "You're scared! I've got to walk back out of here on my own!" A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?" His father says, "No...how old?" He says, "I'm eleven!" He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?" She says, "Come closer..." She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear. She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven." He says, "How could you tell?" She says, "I heard you tell your father." A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69." She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care." They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings. She says, "Answer the door." He says, "But my face is a mess." She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich." He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich." The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead." A girl goes up to her father one night and says, "Dad, can I have the car tonight?" Her father looks at her thoughtfully and says, "Sure, if you give me a blowjob." So the girl puts his penis in her mouth and almost immediately spits it back out. "Your penis tastes like shit!" she cries. "Oh yeah," her father replied, "I forgot I loaned the car to your brother tonight." This guy is sitting in his living room surfing the channels on the television. All of a sudden, the door of the apartment whips open and his girlfriend storms through. She screams, "You fucking asshole!" and she heads into the bedroom. Stunned, the man flips off the television and walks toward the bedroom, wondering, "Now what have I done?" Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up. She responds with a hiss, "My therapist says that I should leave you and that you're a pedophile!" The man responds, "Wow, you're pretty smart for a 12 year old." Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything." Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch. He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass." Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it. A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!" The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home." Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher." "That's right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for." "That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me." A little girl goes up to her mom and asks, "What's that?" The mom answers, "A vagina." And the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?" And the mom answers, "As soon as you grow up." Then the little girl goes up to her dad and asks, "What's that?" And the dad answers, "A penis." So the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?" And the the dad answers, "As soon as your mom goes to work." A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing. "Yes, but you know how I love to fish..." "But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?" "Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish" A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex." "I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..." The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex." "Yeah, but she's got phyrrea(*mouth rot*); and you know how I love to fish..." Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that." "It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..." A man is getting ready to fuck his new girlfriend for the first time. He tries to push his dick in, but he can't get it in. He tries and tries, but to no avail. Finally he pushes inside her and starts giving it to her. He says, "Damn, this hurts. It's so tight I can barely take it." She says, "OK. Let me go to the bathroom and make it a little easier." He climbs off and she disappears for a few moments. When she returns, she lays down and he climbs back on top of her. He slides in again, and this time it's much easier. "Ahhh. That's more like it. Did you put some KY jelly in there?" "Nope," she replies, "I just peeled off the fucking scabs..." A pretty young 12 year old girl has her Grandma's birthday coming up and being conscientious young lady she tries to thinks of something special she can get. After begging her mother she is allowed to go into town on her own to get the present. Come Saturday afternoon, she dresses up in her little red skirt and her mother kisses her goodbye and warns her to be careful. On the way into town a flashy red Porsche screeches up next to her and the guy asks her if she wants a lift. As she daintily replies "No thank you," she notices a sticker for the local radio station in the rear window and gets a brilliant idea. "Do you work at the radio station?" she asks. "I own it. I'm the DJ and I'm the boss!!" he falsely replies. "Wow," she innocently squeaks, "would you let me say Happy Birthday to my Grandma on the radio??" He laughs her off in a cool way and tells her that its a serious radio station for cool music and grown ups and that would be out of the question. Still excited at her idea and sure that she can get her own way, she jumps up and down shrieking, "Oh please, please, I'll do anything!" "Anything you say eh? Well OK then, maybe just this once we can fit you in," he smiles ryely, and invites her to get in. About a mile down the road he pulls into a secluded layby and runs around to her side of the car. He pops out his swollen tool which he has been caressing for the past five minutes and with the viens bulging out of his neck and his eyes focussed on the clouds shouts, "Come on then, come on!!" She turn bright red and says, embarrassed, "I can't, I can't." Getting more and more angry he persuades her, "Come on, come on, come on!!!" After several hesitations she suddenly grabs his penis puts the blood filled red end close to her lips and quickly shouts.......... "Hello Grandma, Happy Birthday!!" Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?" The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead." A guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. He was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument. So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy had a think. He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused. So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he'd buy her a gift. "Any thing at all, my love", the guy said, overcome with remorse. "Oh, I don't know", she replied, "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don't need." The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy. It's the first of April, and Joe is out of town on business. He returns home to find out that his wife is at the hospital in labor having their first child. He rushes to the hospital, and goes to his wife's side. She has already had the child. He goes to the nursery to see the baby. He spots the name on a crib and motions to the nurse. She points at the crib and Joe says, "Yes, he's my son." The nurse picks up the baby and drops it on the floor. Joe is aghast. The nurse says, "Don't worry." She picks up the baby and slaps it hard across the face several times. Joe turns white in horror as she throws the baby across the nursery. Joe is about to faint as she holds the baby by it's testicles and swings it around her head. Joe screams, "Stop you're kiling my baby!!!!" The nurse responds, "April Fools... It was born dead..." A young girl is with her dad at the barbers eating some candy, when it slips from her fingers into a pile of hair on the floor. "Oh dear, have you got hair on your candy?" asked the barber. "Don't be so stupid, I'm only three!!" said the girl! This man pulls up in his Merc beside a little boy. He opens the door, holds out a brown paper bag of sweets and says, "Hey kid, if I give you a sweetie, will you come in my car." To which the kid replies, "Gimme the bag and I'll come in your mouth!" The McCartney kids are at the family ranch anxiously awaiting news of their mother. Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom. "Kid's......there's good news and bad news." "The bad news is your mother's strength and will to live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she died a few moments ago" "The good news is.... It's steak and chips for dinner!" These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs. Hhe says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?" "Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!" The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton. A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush. The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!" Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers. The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink. The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me." The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass." The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "fuck me then!" The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again. The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the gentlman and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water. The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn." A guy walks into a whorehouse and tells one of the girls he wants a blowjob. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds suck him off without a condom. While she does so, the guy sees a half-full bucket of sperm beside the bed. He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his life. A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth. She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum into that damned bucket. The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing spuzz, huh?" She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet. Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets." A poor little girl was begging in the street. A man passed by and the girl mumbled, "Please, sir, give me some money for a fix." The man answers, astonished, "Good heavens! But, how old are you, little girl?" "I'm eight, sir." "Oh, my God, and how long have you been into drugs?" "Since I was raped, sir, when I was four." "RAPED?! And who raped you, little girl?" "I don't remember, I was drunk." After many years at sea, John returned to his home village while on leave. He hadn't had a woman for may years and was desperate. He immediately searched for a brothel. After searching, he finds a suitable establishment. After entering the brothel, he asks the madam how much for a woman. '#100' she replies 'I can't afford that, I only have 50p' 'I'm sorry sir but we have nothing for as little as 50p' 'But please help me.. I'm desperate... I have been at sea for many years.... I need a woman... any woman!' The lady thinks for a moment and grins to herself. 'Well if you are that desperate... go to room 23 down the hallway.' Grateful to the madam, he searches for room 23. He finally finds the room and enters. Inside he discovers the most grotesque woman alive. Spots on her face, greasy hair etc. 'How do you want me luv?' 'Errr, on your back with your legs in the air!' When she lays on her back and parts her legs, he is horrified to see crabs running in between her legs. 'Yuck, I ain't doing that' 'Well, I can turn on all fours!' she replies 'Ok' says the man and immediatly she gets on all fours. 'Oh my god... you have shit all over your arse.. that's sick' 'Well there is one more way we can do this.' 'Is there?' he asks 'Yeah...' and she removes an eye from its socket. 'Stick your dick in there... go on!' He places his dick in the empty socket and starts pumping hard. Minutes later he orgasms violently. 'That was fantastic... how 'bout you?' 'Great... when will you be in town next?' 'In about 2-3 years time!' 'Great, I'll keep an eye out for you then!' A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off. A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes. There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too." "No, a straw," says the Tramp. The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick. To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already". A little girl is standing by the edge of a cliff crying her eyes out. This man comes over and says, "What's wrong little girl?" The little girl still crying just points over to the edge of the cliff. The man looks over the edge and sees a car with the little girls parents mangled in the rocks below. The man turns round and undoing his flies says, "I guess it just ain't your lucky day"!!! Two paedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacey knickers on the ground. The first one picks them up, smells them and goes, "Aahhh... A seven-year-old girl." The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes, "No, no ... Definitely an eight-year-old girl!" The two of them are them smelling them in turns and arguing. "An eight-year-old!", "No, a seven-year-old!", "Definitely an eight-year-old!" .... and so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The first paedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely an eight-year-old girl! ......... but not from my parish!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from | surgery. Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms. There was a farmer who owned a bull and a female cow and was trying desperately to mate the two. No matter what he did the bull didn't want any. Finally he went to a friend who claimed to have had the same problem. So he asked him what could he do. The friend told him that he had to stick his arm up the cows pussy and rub it on the bull's nose. After doing so the bull went crazy and started humping the cow over and over. With the success of the bull the farmer starts to wonder if this will work for him. So that night he gets in bed and starts playing with his wife. He rubs his nose with his hand and gets the biggest boner he has ever gotten. He wakes his wife and tells her to look. She looks, and with a mean look on her face says, "You woke me up to show me that you have a bloody nose." Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There's a problem with Mrs. Whittaker." The boss says, "What's that?" Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy." The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me." They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, "See? There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy." The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that's not a piece of shrimp. That's her clit." Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp." A boy and a pedophile are out at night, walking towards the forest. The boy says, "It's dark! I don't like it! I'm scared!" The pedophile says, "You're scared! I've got to walk back out of here on my own!" A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?" His father says, "No...how old?" He says, "I'm eleven!" He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?" She says, "Come closer..." She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear. She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven." He says, "How could you tell?" She says, "I heard you tell your father." A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69." She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care." They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings. She says, "Answer the door." He says, "But my face is a mess." She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich." He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich." The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead." A girl goes up to her father one night and says, "Dad, can I have the car tonight?" Her father looks at her thoughtfully and says, "Sure, if you give me a blowjob." So the girl puts his penis in her mouth and almost immediately spits it back out. "Your penis tastes like shit!" she cries. "Oh yeah," her father replied, "I forgot I loaned the car to your brother tonight." This guy is sitting in his living room surfing the channels on the television. All of a sudden, the door of the apartment whips open and his girlfriend storms through. She screams, "You fucking asshole!" and she heads into the bedroom. Stunned, the man flips off the television and walks toward the bedroom, wondering, "Now what have I done?" Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up. She responds with a hiss, "My therapist says that I should leave you and that you're a pedophile!" The man responds, "Wow, you're pretty smart for a 12 year old." Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything." Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch. He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass." Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it. A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!" The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home." Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher." "That's right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for." "That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me." A little girl goes up to her mom and asks, "What's that?" The mom answers, "A vagina." And the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?" And the mom answers, "As soon as you grow up." Then the little girl goes up to her dad and asks, "What's that?" And the dad answers, "A penis." So the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?" And the the dad answers, "As soon as your mom goes to work." A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing. "Yes, but you know how I love to fish..." "But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?" "Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish" A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex." "I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..." The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex." "Yeah, but she's got phyrrea(*mouth rot*); and you know how I love to fish..." Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that." "It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..." A man is getting ready to fuck his new girlfriend for the first time. He tries to push his dick in, but he can't get it in. He tries and tries, but to no avail. Finally he pushes inside her and starts giving it to her. He says, "Damn, this hurts. It's so tight I can barely take it." She says, "OK. Let me go to the bathroom and make it a little easier." He climbs off and she disappears for a few moments. When she returns, she lays down and he climbs back on top of her. He slides in again, and this time it's much easier. "Ahhh. That's more like it. Did you put some KY jelly in there?" "Nope," she replies, "I just peeled off the fucking scabs..." A pretty young 12 year old girl has her Grandma's birthday coming up and being conscientious young lady she tries to thinks of something special she can get. After begging her mother she is allowed to go into town on her own to get the present. Come Saturday afternoon, she dresses up in her little red skirt and her mother kisses her goodbye and warns her to be careful. On the way into town a flashy red Porsche screeches up next to her and the guy asks her if she wants a lift. As she daintily replies "No thank you," she notices a sticker for the local radio station in the rear window and gets a brilliant idea. "Do you work at the radio station?" she asks. "I own it. I'm the DJ and I'm the boss!!" he falsely replies. "Wow," she innocently squeaks, "would you let me say Happy Birthday to my Grandma on the radio??" He laughs her off in a cool way and tells her that its a serious radio station for cool music and grown ups and that would be out of the question. Still excited at her idea and sure that she can get her own way, she jumps up and down shrieking, "Oh please, please, I'll do anything!" "Anything you say eh? Well OK then, maybe just this once we can fit you in," he smiles ryely, and invites her to get in. About a mile down the road he pulls into a secluded layby and runs around to her side of the car. He pops out his swollen tool which he has been caressing for the past five minutes and with the viens bulging out of his neck and his eyes focussed on the clouds shouts, "Come on then, come on!!" She turn bright red and says, embarrassed, "I can't, I can't." Getting more and more angry he persuades her, "Come on, come on, come on!!!" After several hesitations she suddenly grabs his penis puts the blood filled red end close to her lips and quickly shouts.......... "Hello Grandma, Happy Birthday!!" Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?" The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead." A guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. He was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument. So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy had a think. He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused. So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he'd buy her a gift. "Any thing at all, my love", the guy said, overcome with remorse. "Oh, I don't know", she replied, "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don't need." The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy. It's the first of April, and Joe is out of town on business. He returns home to find out that his wife is at the hospital in labor having their first child. He rushes to the hospital, and goes to his wife's side. She has already had the child. He goes to the nursery to see the baby. He spots the name on a crib and motions to the nurse. She points at the crib and Joe says, "Yes, he's my son." The nurse picks up the baby and drops it on the floor. Joe is aghast. The nurse says, "Don't worry." She picks up the baby and slaps it hard across the face several times. Joe turns white in horror as she throws the baby across the nursery. Joe is about to faint as she holds the baby by it's testicles and swings it around her head. Joe screams, "Stop you're kiling my baby!!!!" The nurse responds, "April Fools... It was born dead..." A young girl is with her dad at the barbers eating some candy, when it slips from her fingers into a pile of hair on the floor. "Oh dear, have you got hair on your candy?" asked the barber. "Don't be so stupid, I'm only three!!" said the girl! This man pulls up in his Merc beside a little boy. He opens the door, holds out a brown paper bag of sweets and says, "Hey kid, if I give you a sweetie, will you come in my car." To which the kid replies, "Gimme the bag and I'll come in your mouth!" The McCartney kids are at the family ranch anxiously awaiting news of their mother. Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom. "Kid's......there's good news and bad news." "The bad news is your mother's strength and will to live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she died a few moments ago" "The good news is.... It's steak and chips for dinner!" These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs. Hhe says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?" "Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!" The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton. A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush. The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!" Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers. The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink. The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me." The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass." The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "fuck me then!" The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again. The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the gentlman and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water. The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn." A guy walks into a whorehouse and tells one of the girls he wants a blowjob. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds suck him off without a condom. While she does so, the guy sees a half-full bucket of sperm beside the bed. He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his life. A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth. She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum into that damned bucket. The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing spuzz, huh?" She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet. Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets." A poor little girl was begging in the street. A man passed by and the girl mumbled, "Please, sir, give me some money for a fix." The man answers, astonished, "Good heavens! But, how old are you, little girl?" "I'm eight, sir." "Oh, my God, and how long have you been into drugs?" "Since I was raped, sir, when I was four." "RAPED?! And who raped you, little girl?" "I don't remember, I was drunk." After many years at sea, John returned to his home village while on leave. He hadn't had a woman for may years and was desperate. He immediately searched for a brothel. After searching, he finds a suitable establishment. After entering the brothel, he asks the madam how much for a woman. '#100' she replies 'I can't afford that, I only have 50p' 'I'm sorry sir but we have nothing for as little as 50p' 'But please help me.. I'm desperate... I have been at sea for many years.... I need a woman... any woman!' The lady thinks for a moment and grins to herself. 'Well if you are that desperate... go to room 23 down the hallway.' Grateful to the madam, he searches for room 23. He finally finds the room and enters. Inside he discovers the most grotesque woman alive. Spots on her face, greasy hair etc. 'How do you want me luv?' 'Errr, on your back with your legs in the air!' When she lays on her back and parts her legs, he is horrified to see crabs running in between her legs. 'Yuck, I ain't doing that' 'Well, I can turn on all fours!' she replies 'Ok' says the man and immediatly she gets on all fours. 'Oh my god... you have shit all over your arse.. that's sick' 'Well there is one more way we can do this.' 'Is there?' he asks 'Yeah...' and she removes an eye from its socket. 'Stick your dick in there... go on!' He places his dick in the empty socket and starts pumping hard. Minutes later he orgasms violently. 'That was fantastic... how 'bout you?' 'Great... when will you be in town next?' 'In about 2-3 years time!' 'Great, I'll keep an eye out for you then!' A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off. A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes. There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too." "No, a straw," says the Tramp. The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick. To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already". A little girl is standing by the edge of a cliff crying her eyes out. This man comes over and says, "What's wrong little girl?" The little girl still crying just points over to the edge of the cliff. The man looks over the edge and sees a car with the little girls parents mangled in the rocks below. The man turns round and undoing his flies says, "I guess it just ain't your lucky day"!!! Two paedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacey knickers on the ground. The first one picks them up, smells them and goes, "Aahhh... A seven-year-old girl." The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes, "No, no ... Definitely an eight-year-old girl!" The two of them are them smelling them in turns and arguing. "An eight-year-old!", "No, a seven-year-old!", "Definitely an eight-year-old!" .... and so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The first paedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely an eight-year-old girl! ......... but not from my parish!"
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